Santa stopped by the Williams Lake Tribune just days before Christmas to write some letters on the Tribune’s old typewriter. Apparently, the one he’s been using at the North Pole for the last 150 or so years needed some repairs – so he borrowed ours while the elves fixed his. It was no problem; our old typewriter wasn’t being used, and his Christmas cheer was welcome.
After he finished typing his letters, at a whopping 8,249 words per minute, he sat down with the Tribune for an interview.
Tribune: So Santa, how are things at the North Pole this year? What were the highs and lows?
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! You should really visit. You’d love what we have done with the place. Most of the credit must go to Mrs. Claus. Normally, we’ve always gone with white walls highlighted with red stripes. Refreshingly different, the North Pole is now decked out in Santa Red (a copyrighted colour, you know) with contrasting white stripes. The elves simply love it.
The highlight, as it is every year at the North Pole, was the Reindeer games. After so many years of being banned (suspicion around what was actually causing that red nose to glow), Rudolf garnered three firsts, a second and two thirds. Might have even done better except for that polar bear on the cross-country course.
The low point of the year was the frustration over Taylor Swift not performing at the North Pole. I am not saying who’s getting coal, but there have been some suggestions around here.
T: How’s Mrs. Claus doing?
SC: Mrs. Claus is simply the best. We’re a team, I couldn’t be Santa Claus without her.
T: What’s your favourite cookie?
SC: Favourite cookie? Well, I must say I’m partial to the round ones, yet I wouldn’t turn down one that’s all pointy either, maybe with a few sprinkles on top, too. Except, of course, when I’m in Nanaimo, then it’s strictly Nanaimo bars! Oh, and in Boston, where I have been known to taste test a Boston Cream Pie at more than one house.
T: How do you make it to everyone’s house in one night?
SC: First, I always travel with the jet stream. With the reindeer, there is more insistence on less resistance. Two, where possible, I follow the bird migration routes. It is valuable to know where the Arctic Tern turns. Third, premium fuel for eight of the fastest reindeer on the planet. Only the choicest and orangest of carrots for my reindeer. Fourth, wax the sleigh skis every 7,000 km.
T: How do you get into homes with no chimneys?
SC: Houses with no chimneys were a huge problem for a while. At one time, I thought I was going to need all the reindeer to enroll in lock-picking courses until my elves in engineering came up with a solution. Have you seen Star Trek? Teleportation was our idea long before Gene Roddenberry. Strangely, for some reason, teleportation has worked extremely well with children named Scottie. Sometimes I wish the name was more popular.
T: How old are you?
SC: How old am I? Well, if you can remember last year, I am now one year older than that.
T: Can the reindeer talk?
SC: Absolutely. You should hear them argue about the rules during the Reindeer games. Do they do interviews? No. As part of their contracts, they must sign non-disclosure agreements. Too many air forces are interested in how we can visit the whole world in just one night.
T: Anything else you’d like to share with us, Santa?
SC: A very Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
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